In Our Understanding the Self Class

TW: sexual assault

My teacher asked what had shaped us to become our present self.
I think about God because He’s the author of life,
Then I think about myself, my free will,
And my classmates who called me Chrissy Sissy.
I think about Daniel and the tiny mole above his lips.
Then the romantic films I watched alone.
The underwear brochures I skimmed through on my own.
My ballet teacher in his 30s who still looked good in his tights.
The neighbor who flashed his dick and let me 
Touch it. And the fried chicken with its apparent injected hormones.
My mother who used to apply lip balm on my chapped lips.
My older brother who took showers with me.
Then I think about God because he is the author of life,
And the Bible, but I wasn’t written in it so I think about
My father instead. Maybe it’s a family thing.
What would he say if he were alive?
I think about Uncle Tom who consoled me the night
Father died. I’m here, he said.
He stared at me, came closer to hug me because he said I needed warmth.
So, I let him.
Let him move his hands on my thighs because he said I needed to forget.
So, I let him.
Maybe it’s what I needed more than a father’s touch.

*This poem has been previously published in Katitikan Literary Journal

Von-der By (or Vhinz Dacua) is a young creative based in the Philippines. He spends most of his time reclaiming his salad days through the lenses of an online persona, @vonderby on Instagram, where he tells stories about his fantasies, musings, and escapism through creative writing, visual arts, and performance. His flash fiction, Adult Supervision, became a part of the 2nd volume of Libulan: Anthology of Queer Literature published under Kasingkasing Press. His other works are also featured in ALPAS Journal, Katitikan Literary Journal, and Lifestyle Zen Magazine, among others.

Artwork by Simone Hadebe